CHAPTER NINE: I SHOULD KNOW
I told Delores I sleep in a freezer. That was not entirely true. I was trying to get a reaction out of her. Instead, she never raised an eyebrow about it. Although, the cold air is essential to our healing process, not all vampires sleep in crypts or whatever cold, damp place they can find. We are not the stereo-type from the movies. We are not all monsters. We are not all gruesome and blood-thirsty. We are people. We hurt, we cry, we feel emotions, and we do what we have to do to survive; to stay alive or some variation of that word. We are a race. And, just like any race, we are different, yet the same. Some of us were conceived naturally. Born with the genetic chromosomes that gives us this cursed gift. Some of us were simply created for a more sinister use in this life. Those of the creation lose all of their humanity. Their soul is no longer in place. They do not have any control over their existence. They do whatever it takes to survive. They do not think of the needs of others. They do not feel the coldness running through their veins. They are what they are. I should know.
Vampires are capable of almost anything. Those of us naturally born possess human emotions. Some of us turn off those emotions out of fear of being bound to a world of loss, resentment, confusion, or imprisonment of our very existence. Emotions are for those who do not expect to live as long as I have. Being immortal is not as glamorous as it may seem. Feelings of hurt, regret, loneliness, and betrayal will eat away at you for hundreds and maybe thousands of years. We turn off our emotions as a survival instinct. Damage like that will cause anyone to breakdown and fall to pieces. Un-dead or alive. You become a prisoner in your own mind. I should know.
Emotions are not just a feeling about any certain thing. It is our cryptonite. It is a deadly force that overpowers even the strongest of the strong. It compels you to make irrational decisions and choices you will soon regret. Emotions makes us feel human, but it does not make us invincible. It takes a lifetime to learn how to take control of what makes you, you. But, it only takes a moment to lose everything because of you. I should know.
Being what I am gives me plenty of time to dwell on the past. I think about what I should have done differently, but that is just wishful thinking. The past is what it is, and it always has a way of coming back to haunt you. But, it is a nightmare we create for ourselves. It is not anything we can positively blame on someone else. Although an unhealthy dose of self-pontification is the easiest way to deal with any situation, it is just not the smartest. We can choose to acknowledge or mistakes, try to fix them, and move on, or we can claim stupidity and misuse yet another gift from God. Most of the time we can fix a mistake, but stupidity is an unstoppable force. There is absolutely nothing anyone can do to fix stupid. I should know.
The past is a vampire's curse because we have so much more of it. The past is always there. It's always lurking on the edge of your sanity, waiting to take you over the edge into non-existence, daring you to jump. It is powerful force, and you put it there. You made the decisions, and everything in your past is the consequence of them. I should know.
Most people know they have a true ending to this life. Seventy-two years is a long time, but the end is always in sight. I have searched for my end. I have tried to gain some perspective on how I am suppose to just keep being. I have been here too long. Death does not come easily for those like me. I cannot stand out in the sun and wait for the sweet relief of being caught up in the wind. I cannot drive a stake through my heart and expect a cure-all for my pain. I cannot commit suicide and expect my body not to heal, bringing me back to suffocate all over again. My existence is lonely, and the knowledge of that loneliness is what drives you to insanity. I should know.
A long time ago a friend asked me, "Is it possible to know something? And, is what we know real knowledge?" I believe our knowledge develops in our mind from the experience of what we face. Everyone's knowledge of one particular thing is not always the same. What does not work for one may work for another. I believe knowledge comes from our inner being. Who we are, what we are, how we live, and when we accept the responsibility of our domain is when knowledge proves to become a part of our psyche. We learn to adapt to our surroundings according to who we are. To expect everyone to agree on the same thing is to not evolve. This is why some of us accept things the way they are and others question what they do not understand. This is what separates us from true knowledge. True understanding. Do we take everything at face value, or do we challenge our minds to gain more information giving us the opportunity to make informative and sound decisions? We have to know what we are capable of, and we have to know our limits. Everyone is not destined for the same future. Everyone is not genetically designed to be great. Everyone is not cut from the same cloth. I believe knowing who you are, trusting in your instincts, and allowing yourself to learn and explore new things is where true knowledge begins. It is your knowledge. It is your free will. It is your choice in how you live and what you believe in. Knowledge is a powerful weapon, but stupidity knows no bounds. I should know.
